Friends: Alternative Season 4
by 8srfan
Summary: DIALOGUE FORMAT. An alternative look at season 4 - Please RnR. Before Monica and Chandler hooked up and how they did .


_**Friends: Alternative Season 4**_

_--Chapter 1--  
_THE ONE WITH JANICE'S NUPTIAL EVENT

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Hello! I'm starting with this new fanfic even though I haven't finished _The One With The Wrecked Christmas (Season 11)_ but don't worry I'll always update that one, along with this new story. This is a bunch of chapters I've created for a season 4 (not in the beginning, not in the end) Ross hasn't met Emily (yet), no one knows a girl named Kathy (yet), Rachel HAS a crush on Joshua and Phoebe is pregnant with the triplets.

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_(Scene: Joey and Chandler's apartment. Phoebe and Joey are sitting on the counter as Rachel comes running in.)_

**Rachel:** So what happened? Did he do it? Did he finally propose?

**Phoebe:** Who did?

**Rachel:** Mr. Big. (Phoebe seems confused.) Don't you watch _Sex and the City_?

**Phoebe:** No, but why don't we talk about what I _do_ watch and that's sex _**in**_ the city.

**Joey:** Nice.

**Rachel:** Ugh, I can't believe I missed it again. I have been watching Sarah Jessica Parker on this show ever since the very first beginning and I have not missed a single episode. Well, except once, when Ross and I were together and he **really** wanted to watch _A Bug's Life_.

**Phoebe:** So where were you?

**Rachel:** Oh, at a faculty meeting. My boss wants me to take care of the women's lingerie department.

**Joey:** Nice.

**Phoebe:** Well, your mother called like seven times asking where you are and then the last time she called I kinda just started yelling stuff at her and pretended t be Chinese… Yeah, I don't think she's gonna be stopping by for a while.

**Rachel:** Ugh. Well, I'll call her later.

**Phoebe:** Are you sure? 'Cause I kinda miss her.

**Joey:** Oh—and tell her about the lingerie story.

**Rachel:** Joey, can I use your phone?

**Joey:** Sure, go ahead. We haven't paid our phone-bill in weeks and I'm pretty sure they cut us off, so…

(Rachel leaves)

_(Cut to Monica and Rachel's apartment. Monica is cleaning as Rachel enters)_

**Rachel:** Hey, Mon.

**Monica:** Oh, hey Rach. How was the meeting?

**Rachel:** Disgusting. I'm in charge of kids' clothing.

**Monica:** By the way, your mom called like eight times looking for you.

**Rachel:** What?

**Monica:** I distinctly recall because that's how many times I rearranged the bathroom towels.

**Rachel:** What? Monica, you're sick!

**Monica:** At least I don't get tons and tons of calls from _my_ mother.

**Rachel:** Because she hates you!

**Monica:** (crying) You know how much that hurts!

**Rachel:** Oh god Monica I'm sorry honey. Come here…

**Monica:** Oh screw it. I'm rearranging them again! (runs to the bathroom)

**Opening Credits**

_(Scene: Central Perk. Phoebe, Joey and Monica are there as Rachel enters.)_

**Rachel:** Hey, you guys. I just got off the phone with my mom and guess why she was calling me like a hundred times last night?

**Phoebe:** Ooh ooh fun okay! Umm cause she wanted to tell you she's coming over?

**Rachel:** Thank god, no.

**Phoebe:** Family emergency?

**Rachel:** Nope.

**Phoebe:** Ooh ooh left arm eating by a Pacific seagull.

**Rachel:** No, she wanted to tell me about the stupid new facelift she's had.

**Phoebe:** Ooh, so close.

**Monica:** What, so that's it? That's the reason she called like twenty times?

**Rachel:** Yeah.

**Joey:** Talk about _Baby Mama_.

**Rachel:** God, I hate mothers who act like that.

**Phoebe:** Hey, do not speak ill of the dead.

**Joey:** But Pheebs, Rachel's mother is still alive.

**Phoebe:** No, I know that, obviously, but it's just that mine isn't so…

**Monica:** Girl's got a point.

(Chandler enters)

**Chandler:** Hi, hi, one cup of latté please and HELP ME, help me, help me people!

**Phoebe:** Oh my god this is so depressing I can't watch this. (places her right hand above her cheek and looks away to prevent looking at Chandler)

**Joey:** Chandler, what's goin' on man?

**Chandler:** Do you know who's getting married in spring? Do you? Do you?

**Rachel:** Oh my god are we supposed to answer that?

**Chandler:** Oh wait-wait-wait-wait hold on. I do. I do… Janice does!

**All:** Oh, my god. Awe… Honey.

**Joey:** I can't believe this. _Janice's_ getting married?

**Phoebe:** I know. Poor Mr. Janice Singsteen.

**Monica:** (to Chandler) Are you okay?

**Chandler:** Oh, no, yeah, I'm fine. I'm great. I'm cool. I'm alright. I'm…hostile.

**Phoebe:** Chandler, do you know what you need right now?

**Chandler:** No, what?

(A waitress gives him his cup of latté and he drinks it all in one sip)

**Phoebe:** Well, caffeine, obviously.

**Chandler:** can I have another espresso over here?

**Monica:** How many of those have you had already?

**Chandler:** I don't know, a HUNDRED?

**Rachel: **Chandler, it's eight o'clock in the morning!

**Phoebe:** You know, for some people, that's actually a little late to have a hundred espressos.

**Chandler:** And you know what the worst part is? The guy she's marrying is her ex-husband Sid.

**Phoebe:** Oh that is so cool. So she's like re-marrying him!

**Chandler:** Yeah Pheebs that _is_ cool… (to a waiter) And where is my espresso kid? Are ya deaf? ARE YA?

**Waiter:** (nervous) I-I-I don't-I don't know, sir-sir, I-I-I'm sorry.

**Chandler:** Could I NOT care any more?

**Waiter:** (to the gang) It's my first day. (runs to the bathroom crying)

**Gunther:** Here you go, Chandler. (hands Chandler his coffee)

**Chandler:** Thanks, Gunther, you're a wonderful man. Actually, right now, you're just a man with my coffee.

(Chandler drinks it all)

**Gunther:** Receipt. (hands him the receipt)

(Chandler slowly spits all the coffee back into the cup)

**Chandler:** (to Gunther) I changed my mind because I don't have any money.

(Gunther stares at him and leaves)

**Chandler:** It's Ross who you hate!

**Joey:** Anybody gonna drink that?

_(Scene: Monica and Rachel's apartment. Monica is cooking and Phoebe is sitting to the kitchen table crunching down on a carrot.)_

**Phoebe:** I feel so bad for Chandler.

**Monica:** I know. It's heart-breaking, isn't it?

(Monica puts some freshly new home-baked cookies on the table)

**Phoebe:** Ooh, cookies! (eats one) Thank you, mommy.

(Rachel comes running in)

**Rachel:** (without a breath) My…mother…Phoebe…right…she…coming…over…

**Phoebe:** Ok, hold on, I think she's trying to tell us something.

**Rachel:** (sighs) My mother… Oh god Phoebe you were right. You were _so_ right.

**Phoebe:** (sniffs) Well, obviously, but why?

**Rachel:** My mom _is_ coming over! She's on her way here. And man do we have a lot of stairs!

**Phoebe:** Yeah, I don't think I ever said _that_.

**Monica:** Wait, Rach, she's coming over now? _Now_?

**Rachel:** Yes. I just got off the phone with my sister and she told me that Mom's o her way to the Big Apple and I remember 'cause I didn't get that at first but soon, y'know, Big Apple…

**Phoebe:** Wait, hey, Rach, which sister was it?

**Rachel:** What?

**Phoebe:** Which sister?

**Rachel:** Why…does that—matter?

**Phoebe:** It doesn't. So who was it?

**Rachel:** Oh my god what do I do? What do I do? You guys, I do not want to see my mother, ok? She's gonna start talkin' to me about her stupid new facelift and the cute plastic surgeon that did her stupid new facelift.

**Phoebe:** Yeah, I don't understand why all of you Greenes only go after doctors. I mean, first there's your mom and then you and Ross and—did your aunt Silivia marry a boob-fixer?

**Rachel:** No, and (turns to Monica) help me!

**Monica:** Look, I'm sure it's gonna be fine. I mean, c'mon, Rach, it's your mom! You love your mom and your mom loves _you_, Rach.

**Rachel:** Yeah, you're right.

**Monica:** So I say you just suck it in and welcome her.

**Rachel:** Yeah, okay. That sounds good.

**Phoebe:** Or you could ditch her, take off and never have to deal with it.

**Rachel:** Ooh, I like that.

**Monica:** Rachel!

**Rachel:** Bye, Monica, I'm sorry but I just can't deal with this right now. I gotta go, I'm sorry. Have fun! (smiles)

**Phoebe:** Oh, _we_ will.

**Rachel:** Bye!

**Mrs. Greene (voice-over, vo):** Rachel, I'm here! (knocks on the door)

**Rachel:** (gasps) No!! (Pause) Oh my god what do I do? Monica what do I do?

**Monica:** Look, just deal with her alright? I mean, she's only gonna stay for a few hours then she's gonna take off and y'know…it's the best thing to do.

**Phoebe: Or** you could climb down the fire escape and run off to somewhere far and safe.

**Rachel:** Y'know, Pheebs, not that I don't **love** climbing down fire-escapes but I have a thing with heights…

**Phoebe:** Oh, good, 'cause the first time I saw you I was like, "Ok, _is_ she a dwarf?"

**Monica:** Rach, just open the door for your mom.

**Phoebe: Or** why don't you go hide in the bedroom while Monica and I stall her and then you could just slip out?

**Monica:** Phoebe, stop putting ideas in head! (Pause) Rach?

**Rachel:** (hesitant) All right! Fine, I'll open the door but I like _you_ less. (points at Monica)

**Mrs. Greene (vo):** Honey, is something wrong? Monica?

(Rachel opens the door)

**Rachel:** Hi, mom! Hi!

**Mrs. Greene:** Darling! Hi! (They hug) How are you, honey?

**Rachel:** Good, I'm good. You remember Monica.

**Mrs. Greene:** Yes. Hello, Monica.

**Monica:** Hi, Mrs. Greene.

(Mrs. Greene goes for a handshake but Monica hugs her instead)

**Mrs. Greene:** My, that was umm…rather unexpected.

**Rachel:** And that's Phoebe.

**Mrs. Greene:** Oh, yes, right, hi Phoebe. So what do you think of my new facelift?

**Phoebe:** I think it's juicy.

(Rachel looks at her.)

**Phoebe:** (whispering secretly to Rachel) Fire escape! (points to the balcony outside)

(Rachel motions for her to stop, when Mrs. Greene isn't looking.)

**Mrs. Greene:** Oh my god honey. You should've seen my plastic surgeon. Yum-mmy!

**Phoebe:** Do you happen to have his phone number? (Rachel shoots her a look again.) Oh, this's gonna be a _long_ night.

_(Scene: Joey and Chandler's apartment. Joey is eating at the kitchen counter while watching television. He's watching cartoons.)_

(Joey starts laughing to the cartoon stuff on TV)

**Joey:** Oh, you crack me up.

(Ross enters)

**Ross:** Hey. Are-are you watching cartoons?

**Joey:** What? Oh, no, no, this is-this is just the commercials. (changes the channel) So hey Ross! What's up?

**Ross:** Not much. Ooh, but I _am_ expecting a promotion at work tomorrow.

**Joey:** Wow, congratulations.

**Ross:** Thanks. Where's Chandler?

**Joey:** Locking himself up in his room, weeping all day.

**Ross:** What? He's _that_ desperate?

**Joey:** Dude, his ex-girlfriend is getting married.

**Ross:** Yeah, but it's Janice! I mean, it's Janice!

**Joey:** Yeah, he's real retarded. Just before, I heard him screaming "(moaning) Oh, no! why?!"

**Ross:** I'm gonna go talk to him.

**Joey:** Yeah, you go buddy.

**Ross:** What, you're not gonna help me?

**Joey:** Oh, right! Sure.

(They walk towards Chandler's room)

**Ross:** Chandler? You there? (knocks on the door)

**Chandler (voice-over):** No, I'm gone!

(We can hear a giggle from behind the door)

**Ross:** Wha--? Chandler?

(Joey and Chandler enter and there's Chandler in bed with JANICE!)

**Ross:** Oh my god!!

(Joey gasps, everybody's screaming now)

**Janice:** OH…MY…GAWD!

**Joey:** (laughing) Hey, that explains the "(moaning) Ohh no! why?!"

(Ross immediately leaves the bedroom in shock.)

_**--To Be Continued—**_

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_**I hope you liked the beginning of this story! Hopefully you'll keep checking in for the next chapter which will be coming soon.**_

_**Chapter 2 will be titled THE ONE WITH RACHEL'S MOM. Pleeeeease review!!**_

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